When Executive Function Differences Show Up in Relationships
I hear this all the time:
“My partner just doesn’t get it.” “They think I’m lazy or don’t care.” “I keep explaining, but nothing changes.”
When one person struggles with executive function and the other doesn’t, hurt feelings pile up. Frustration builds. And a lot of the time, nobody’s actually doing anything wrong.
Executive Function Isn’t About Trying Harder
Executive function is your brain’s management system. It handles getting started on things, keeping track of time, remembering what needs to happen, managing emotions, switching between tasks, and actually finishing what you start.
When those systems are compromised—whether it’s ADHD, burnout, or stress—it shows up everywhere. Missed deadlines. Half-done projects. Getting stuck mid-task.
To someone who doesn’t experience this, it looks like you’re not trying.
But that’s not what’s happening.
Two Different Operating Systems
In a lot of relationships, one brain works like this:
“I see it needs doing. I do it. Done.”
The other brain works like this:
“I see it. I feel overwhelmed. Something distracts me. I fully intend to come back to it. Then I feel terrible that I didn’t.”
This isn’t about caring less. It’s about how your brain processes and gets moving.
When nobody names this difference, resentment moves in.
How It Gets Worse
The partner without these struggles thinks: “Why do I always have to remember? Why can’t they just handle it?”
The partner with ADHD tendencies feels ashamed, defensive, constantly behind, and terrified of disappointing their person again.
You end up in this loop: remind → frustration → shut down → shame → pull away
The Part That Actually Hurts
It’s usually not the thing that didn’t get done.
What really hurts is feeling completely misunderstood, criticized for something you can’t control, and reduced to just your problems instead of seen as a whole person.
When “Why can’t you just get it together?” comes from your partner, it hits different.
What Actually Changes Things
Real shifts happen when you stop talking about character and start talking about capacity.
Instead of: “You don’t care” or “You’re not trying”
Try: “What makes this hard for your brain?” or “How can we figure this out together?”
This isn’t about lowering the bar. It’s about actually understanding how each other works.
You Don’t Need Matching Brains
When couples can talk about executive function differences without blame, something shifts.
Frustration turns into curiosity. Criticism turns into problem-solving. Distance turns into partnership.
You don’t have to think the same way to love each other well. You need tools, words for what’s happening, and compassion for both of you.
If ADHD tendencies are causing tension in your relationship, you’re not broken. Your partner isn’t either.
This is a skills thing, not a character thing.
And it’s absolutely something you can work on together.
Warmly,
Molly A. Summers, P.C.C.
Life Coach & Author
Thank you for spending this time with me inside Journal for Focus, Feelings & Follow-Through
I hope these words remind you that your attachment style is not your whole story — and you don’t have to navigate change alone.
If you’d like more gentle support, my virtual coaching and self-guided book are here for you anytime.
Schedule your free call or explore my books at coachingwithmollysummers.com.
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