New Year Expectations: How Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles Approach the Year Ahead

The New Year arrives carrying a familiar cultural message: set goals, raise the bar, become better.
But expectations aren’t neutral. They are deeply shaped by how safe we learned it was to need, to hope, and to depend on others.

For those with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment, New Year expectations often look very different—not because one group is more motivated or disciplined, but because each is protecting themselves in their own way.

Understanding this difference can change how you approach the year ahead, with far more compassion and far less self-judgment.

Anxious Attachment: Expectations Fueled by Hope and Fear

People with anxious attachment often begin the New Year with high emotional expectations, both of themselves and of others.

On the surface, this can look inspiring:

• Big intentions
• Deep desire for growth
• Strong motivation to “do it right this time”

But underneath, expectations are often driven by a quieter question:
“If I do enough, will I finally feel secure, loved, and chosen?”

Common Anxious Patterns Around New Year Expectations

• Setting too many goals at once
• Expecting quick emotional or relational change
• Tying self-worth to outcomes (“If I fail, something is wrong with me”)
• Looking to the New Year as a kind of emotional reset button

When expectations aren’t met, and life inevitably disrupts even the best plans. Those with anxious attachment may feel:

• Disappointed in themselves
• Afraid they’re “falling behind”
• Overly self-critical
• Panicked that nothing will change

The challenge isn’t lack of effort.
It’s placing emotional safety on the other side of achievement.

A gentler reframe:
Instead of asking, “How can I fix myself this year?”
Try: “What would help me feel steadier, regardless of outcomes?”

Avoidant Attachment: Expectations Designed to Limit Disappointment

Those with avoidant attachment often approach the New Year from the opposite direction. Not with excess expectation, but with emotional restraint.

Their expectations may sound practical or even wise:

• “I don’t need to change much.”
• “I’ll just see how it goes.”
• “I’m fine as I am.”

But underneath, the intention is often protection:
“If I don’t expect too much, I won’t be let down.”

Common Avoidant Patterns Around New Year Expectations

• Keeping goals vague or purely practical
• Avoiding emotional or relational intentions
• Downplaying hopes before they fully form
• Framing expectations as “realistic,” but also distant

While this can prevent disappointment, it can also limit:

• Emotional growth
• Deeper connection
• A sense of meaning or renewal

Avoidant attachment doesn’t lack desire, it often lacks permission to want more.

A gentler reframe:
Instead of asking, “What’s the safest expectation?”
Try: “What would I allow myself to want—without forcing it to happen?”

When Anxious and Avoidant Expectations Collide

In relationships, especially family or romantic ones, the New Year can quietly amplify tension.

• The anxious partner may expect change, closeness, or reassurance
• The avoidant partner may expect space, independence, or no pressure

Both may feel disappointed, without fully understanding why.

This isn’t a failure of intention.
It’s a mismatch of emotional pacing.

The most healing shift is not alignment of goals, but alignment of understanding.

A More Secure Way to Approach the New Year

Secure expectations are not about aiming higher or lowering the bar.
They are about anchoring internally instead of externally.

Secure Expectations Sound Like:

• “I can set intentions and respond kindly when life shifts.”
• “Growth can be slow and still meaningful.”
• “I don’t need to earn my worth this year.”
• “I can want connection without chasing or withdrawing.”

Instead of resolutions, consider emotional intentions:

• How do I want to relate to myself when things don’t go as planned?
• What kind of inner safety do I want to practice this year?
• What would steadiness look like, not perfection?

A Closing Thought for the Year Ahead

The New Year doesn’t require you to reinvent yourself.
It invites you to understand yourself more honestly.

Whether your expectations tend to run high or stay guarded, the most powerful intention you can set is this:

“I will meet myself with less pressure and more compassion—no matter how this year unfolds.”

That is where real change begins.

Warmly,
Molly A. Summers, P.C.C.
Life Coach & Author

Thank you for spending this time with me inside The Attachment Style Journal.
I hope these words remind you that your attachment style is not your whole story — and you don’t have to navigate change alone.

If you’d like more gentle support, my virtual coaching and self-guided book are here for you anytime.

Schedule your free call or explore my books at coachingwithmollysummers.com.