We Don’t Always Heal. But We Can Learn to Adjust. Reflections After Losing My Brother

I recently lost my brother to cancer.
There’s no easy way to say that. It’s the kind of loss that rearranges your inner world. One
moment, life was before—and now, everything is after. I’ve found myself reaching for words to
describe the grief, the emptiness, and honestly, the confusion that comes with trying to move
through life after someone you love is gone.
And here’s the truth I’ve landed on: I don’t think we ever truly heal from some losses.
We adjust.
As a life coach, I’ve sat with people in all kinds of grief—grief from death, from divorce, from
estrangement, from the complicated endings that don’t always have funerals but still leave us
aching. And I’ve started to notice something: when we talk about “healing,” there’s often an
unspoken expectation behind it. The expectation that one day we’ll feel good again. That the
pain will disappear. That we’ll be “better.”
But adjusting? Adjusting doesn’t ask that of us.
Adjusting is quieter. Gentler. It's not about fixing the pain or rushing to feel whole again. It’s
about learning how to live inside a world that’s changed—learning how to carry the love, the
memories, and yes, even the heartbreak, as part of who we are now.
I still talk to my brother. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking I should call him. I cry when I
don’t expect to, and I laugh when something reminds me of his humor. That’s adjustment. That’s
how grief lives in us—not as a problem to be solved, but as a companion we slowly learn how to
walk with.
Healing says, “You’ll feel better soon.”
Adjustment says, “You’re allowed to feel everything—over and over again—and still keep
going.”
I don’t think I’ll ever “heal” from losing him. But I’m adjusting. I’m living. I’m letting myself
miss him without needing that to mean I’m broken or stuck.
And maybe that’s what we need more of: permission to adjust, without the pressure to be okay.
If you’ve lost someone—whether through death, distance, or a painful goodbye—I want you to
know that you’re not doing it wrong if you don’t feel healed. You’re not failing if your grief still
catches you off guard. There’s nothing wrong with you if your version of moving forward looks
more like learning how to carry the weight, rather than setting it down.

Some losses don’t get tied up in a bow.
Some just get woven into the fabric of who we are.
And that, I’ve come to believe, is its own kind of strength.
—
With love and honesty,
Molly A. Summers, P.C.C.
Certified Life Coach & Author
The Attachment Style Journal
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P.S. If you’re feeling loss, I see you. You don’t need to “heal” on anyone else’s timeline. Keep
adjusting. That’s where the quiet courage lives.